This can be a tricky topic because so much of what we do is on autopilot and normalized to the point it feels like breathing air. Except this air is laced with poison and we don’t even realize we are slowly walking towards our soul’s death.
We have all seen it, and on some level we have all done it. Let me explain.
“My mom cracked another joke about what a disaster I was a few years ago. It feels like a steel ball in my stomach every time she says it, like I was trash back then. But she’s my mom. I’ll leave it alone. I’m leaving in a week anyway.”
“He does so much for the family, and we have been together forever. The kids have parents that are still together and I can pretty much do what I want. Maybe the comments about my weight and messages I find aren’t that big a deal in the long run. I mean, he never actually leaves. And yet I have no idea what it feels like to be wanted anymore.”
“I know my boss values me, she keeps increasing my responsibility. But I haven’t gotten a raise in 2 years and she never brings it up. Oh well. I can pay the bills and have health insurance. Stability is nice.”
What do these all have in common? In each example the person has developed a stable, albeit excruciating, peace in their life. Each line connected to the next, the circle remains unbroken. The circle being the bare minimum of what it means to survive as a living human being. We have been conditioned to praise and rejoice in someone not beating us or outright degrading us that we have somehow learned to lap up the bare minimum as victory. But it’s SOUL DEATH.
What else do you notice in each point? The other party isn’t being called to take responsibility for how they show up in our lives. Mom doesn’t have to answer for her pattern of shaming, husband doesn’t have to face how he manipulates his family, and boss doesn’t have to make an effort to take actionable steps in meeting an employee’s needs. All three remain comfortable, while you’re left feeling devoid of value.
And for what? Ahhh yes, the peace. The boat that isn’t rocking. But honey it isn’t just rocking, the ship is halfway underwater. You’re giving away your worth and time to feed someone else’s needs. And time isn’t a renewable resource. What have you let die in the name of fulfilling someone else? What false narratives have you taken on because someone else’s comfort became more important than your own?
Unhealthy peace is like internal bleeding every day for the rest of your life. No one else can see it, but you can feel each system shut down over time. What I’m calling you to do is break the bone. It will hurt like a bitch. You will have to bite down and scream, curse anyone who breathes on you wrong. But then it begins to heal, the pain subsiding little by little. You first walk a short path as you learn to trust the healing. Eventually you run with full faith you have everything you need to manage whatever comes next.
Break the bone.