A funny thing happened when I became a therapist that I was not expecting. I came into the world of mental health to help people make sense of their experience without the BS opinions others had ladled on. No one told me I would be saddled with the now nonsensical demand, “Fix them.”
Its a very telling thing when a parent says, “This must not be working, you aren’t doing any of the things I want you to do.”
Here’s a known fact in the therapy world, but a barely known fact to clients and their families: therapy isn’t primarily about changing behaviors. Yes, it is often a beautiful side-effect, but the purpose of therapy is for a human being to have someone sit with them in their paradigm and ask, “Where did this come from? What happened to you? Do we still need to keep these pieces? ”
Children don’t engage in “bad behavior” only to spite caregivers. There is always a reason, even if a caregiver refuses to give it merit. I have the privilege of being let into their world and taught why these survival tactics are still at play. Oftentimes they persist for one of two reasons: either they haven’t been taught a new way of engaging OR their world is still unsafe and these survival skills are still necessary.
Behavior change can only come when a child feels safe, seen, and accepted. Does it mean we ignore breaks in trust and violations of rules? No, but it does mean we keep the relationship in the forefront. We discipline without degrading the child, we hold the line while also loving the child. We say, “I don’t like what you did and that’s not how we do things, but I see the soul behind the mask.”
We are not here to build children in our image. We are here to help them find their own value and unique gifts, free of our programming and fears. Be their safe haven for learning and growth, not their judge, jury, and executioner.